Wednesday, 10 February 2016

'One ring to bring them all and in Craigavon bind them'

Pictured: Northern Ireland's new First Minister at the new seat of government in Craigavon.             

             One ring to rule them all,
 One ring to find them,
 One ring to bring them all and in Craigavon bind them’ The new motto of Northern Ireland

The political landscape of Northern Ireland changed forever last week in a way that no mortal could possibly have predicted. It began with the sighting of a strange cloud formation over Cookstown and hundreds reporting a feeling of being watched by a sinister presence. The strange formations moved to the south-east during the day and settled over Craigavon. So much was the public worry that an emergency meeting of the ‘Armagh City, Banbridge and Craigavon District Council’ was held. News agencies reported that none who entered the council chamber were seen to come out and any attempts to gain access into the building were thwarted by the apparent magical barrier that had been erected. Locals report that smoke was seen rising from the building while small earthquakes were also reported.

After several days, politicians in Stormont received an invitation, sent from within the council chambers, to attend the ongoing meeting in Craigavon with the promise of ‘finally figuring out a way to deal with the legacy of the Troubles and unite the good people of the Northern Ireland’. As a good will gift, twelve golden rings were also sent to the incumbent government ministers. Twelve rings that apparently would grant them the strength to govern their people. The invitation was reportedly signed by ‘Annatar, Giver of Gifts’.

Sure enough the government ministers attended the council chamber several days later, by which time the building resembled an active volcano, spewing out molten rock and toxic fumes. The ministers were in the building for days, before eventually emerging clothed in black and announcing that all political parties are to be disbanded and a single party system would be created. The new party would be called the ‘Ourselves Alone Democratic Union of Nazgul’. It was also revealed that the mysterious Annatar (also called Sauron) would be the leader of the party and that he would be making drastic changes to the country as listed below;

  • Causeway Coast and Glens Council to be renamed Angmar
  • Lough Neagh to be salted to the extent that no living creature could exist in it
  • The Free Presbyterian Church to change its focus of worship to involve ritual human sacrifice in honour of Morgoth
  • Anyone under 5ft tall to be banned from being in a mile radius of the new Craigavon volcano while carrying a ring
  • The Gap of the North to be fitted with a large black gate
  • Massive employment in the science & manufacturing industries centred around creating an unstoppable war machine
  • Black clothing to be worn at all times
  • Slieve Donard to be renamed Orodruin (or Mount Doom to the common folk)
  • Martin McGuinness and Arlene Foster to take on new roles as the Mouth and Black Hand of Sauron respectively
  • Free eye tests for everyone

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Cthulhu Wants a Kitten

All Cthulhu ever wanted was a kitten to call his own. A nice little black kitten all for himself.

‘Oh, how the empty, cyclopean streets of R’lyeh would be filled with joy if only a kitten could be had’ Cthulhu would pine, as he lay belly down, head in hands, dreamily (but dead) looking from his chamber window.

Across the lonely expanse of his sunken city, Cthulhu would wander, arms flailing and skipping. He would skip and skip and skip, his feet fluttering in the air as his misshapen wings allowed him to land gently.

‘Oh! My city for a kitten! In the name of all that is dark and terrible, a kitten! Great Old Ones grant me a kitten! Even the Flying Polyps had kittens!’ he shrieked.

Deep in his heart however, gentle Cthulhu knew the likelihood of a kitten in R’lyeh was as that of Azathoth taking human form and becoming a folk singer. The years went by and Cthulhu lay dreaming. Dead, but dreaming of his little black kitten. His heart breaking with despair and loneliness. All until one day when a ship wreck floundered upon his dark shores. There were no survivors. None but a kitten. A little black kitten. A little black non-Euclidean kitten.

‘Calloo Callay!’ exclaimed Cthulhu as he picked up the small creature and held it close to his mighty chest. ‘Finally, a kitten! A lovely little kitten all for me! Oh! Truly all the joy in the universe is mine today. The Last Amorphous Blight that bubbles and blasphemes at the centre of all infinity be damned I say! A kitten! A kitten!’

Finally after so many years, Great Cthulhu had his kitten….skinned and fried, served with onions and gravy.

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Michael & Me: David Lynch Reveals New Reality Show

Hollywood oddball David Lynch has revealed today that he has finished filming a new reality show, due to air in the spring. This is the first television serial to have been produced by Lynch since Twin Peaks in the early 1990's. The show titled 'Michael and Me' stars David Lynch himself and chronicles the interactions between Lynch and his new room mate; the Living Vampire Michael Morbius of Marvel Comics fame.

Lynch, now a struggling director has been forced to let out the spare room in his flat to make ends meet and took the opportunity to film any old bollocks and call it entertainment. Kyle McLachlan appears in the show, constantly dressed as Paul Atreides and begging Lynch to direct a sequel to Dune. Apparently though, this was not planned and McLachlan just appeared on set everyday crying and apologising for Sex and the City. The producers just decided to keep it in the final edit as it was hilarious. Another highlight of the show is said to be the deep conversation David and Michael have about the origin of Spirograph, while riding a horse down the M2.

Michael Morbius isn't played by anyone as he is a fictional character and doesn't actually exist. The horse wasn't real either.  

Sunday, 19 January 2014

Lost Folktale Rediscovered: The Great Big Hairy Bugger

Anthropologists have a lot to celebrate today after the discovery of the manuscript detailing a long lost English folktale. Originally written in Portuguese for some reason, the following is a translation by Gary Lineker:

 Ploughing the field had become less fun ever since Toms horse had died (as had intercourse with said horse). Usually it would have had the harness put on and it would drag the plough, but as Tom could not yet afford another horse, he had to do it by himself (the ploughing that is). It was particularly stressful. He’d been here for five hours and had only done one furrow, and the field was well over five acres. It would take him weeks to finish. There was one benefit to all this though; he had a lot of time to his own thoughts.
Why did my horse die? What will I plant his year? Potatoes? Cabbage? Why does the sun shine? Why does my finger smell funny? Do I think because I exist, or do I exist because I think?
So many thoughts were going through his head that he didn't notice a shadowy figure lurking in the hedge.
Get off my land!’ screamed the figure in a voice that could have made an onion cry, causing Tom do drop the plough harness. He turned round to see a huge man dressed in a ragged trousers held up by a rope, and a ripped green shirt. He was extremely hairy, with hair all over his arms, and wild, bushy beard. His hair ran down to his shoulders. His nose was as red as a red parrot with a nose bleed.
Holy flaming turnips!’ exclaimed Tom, ‘You’re the biggest, hairiest bugger I have ever seen in my life!’
The stranger raised a bushy eyebrow and replied in an angry tone, ‘I’m a boggart God damn it. Not a bugger!’
Well, you’re the biggest, hairiest one I've ever seen.’
You’ve seen other boggarts?’
No,’ said Tom, ‘but you are the hairiest bugger I’ve ever seen.’
I’m not a bugger, I’m a fucking boggart you ass.’ The boggart seemed to be losing his temper very quickly.
Well what are you doing on my land?’ asked Tom.
The boggart chuckled menacingly, ‘Your land? Ha! It’s my land. It was my fathers before me, and his fathers, and his father’s father! It is rightfully mine!’
Tom looked at the boggart, and the boggart met his stare. For about five minutes they just stood facing at each other, until finally Tom said, ‘That’s a lie isn’t it? You just made that up there now, didn’t you?’
The boggarts lip began to shake, and then he looked away, lowering his head like a child who had done wrong. ‘Yes sir, it was a lie.’
Stupid bugger.’ Whispered Tom.
Fuck you!’ exclaimed the boggart, ‘I’m a fucking boggart, and I’ll be buggered if you call me a bugger again.’
Tom began to snigger. “I wonder what a boggart being buggered would look like.’
It’s actually a wonderful sight. Why, just last week me and my boggart friend were watching ‘Boggart Babes Go On A Sex Rampage’ and it was…..Hold on a minute….God damn it.’ Bewildered and now completely devoid of patience for the young farmer who stood before him, the boggart managed to keep his voice to a low whisper when he said ‘Right Mr. Farmer man, I was going to just leave once you realized I was lying, but now I really want this field. So give it to me.’ The boggart folded his arms.
Ha! And what are you going to do if I refuse?’ laughed Tom.

The boggart spent the rest of his life using Toms head as a cup, and his dismembered body as a plaything for other boggarts who liked to bugger things. The boggart lived happily ever after until he himself was buggered by a larger boggart

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Case of Mistaken Identity Leads Former WWE Star to Northern Ireland 'Haas Talks'

The recent 'Haas talks' regarding a lasting in peace in Northern Ireland appeared to have suffered a severe blow today as it was revealed that the wrong Haas has been chairing over proceedings. It turns out that due to severe miscommunication, it was the former WWE wrestler Charlie Haas, not the US diplomat Richard Haas chairing the talks.

It has been revealed that the first inkling that something was amiss occurred when Gerry Kelly was hit in the face with a steel chair and Peter Robinson was piledriven through a burning table covered in barbed wire.

In the weeks of talks that followed, several Northern Irish politicians had their Achilles tendons ripped. At one point local Alliance Party representatives were encouraged to fight their SDLP counterparts in a Hell in a Cell type match which led to Anna Lo chokeslamming Alasdair McDonnell from the top of the forty foot steel monstrosity onto a bed of thumb tacks.

However, despite the initial misgivings, Charlie Haas' more physical approach to diplomatic talks appears to have gained the support of the public. As a result, a new wrestling federation has been created, with weekly grudge matches being scheduled for the next six weeks, ultimately culminating in a pay per view event titled 'Politically Incorrect' where a six man DUP tag team will face off against a Sinn Fein team in the worlds first 'Shove that gerbil up the other guys ass' match. The event will take place in Windsor Park and tickets are available for £75. Free flegs will be available for all those attending. 

Monday, 6 December 2010

Snow Storm of Awkwardness

Break ups are hard enough for people at the best of times, but for Jimmy McLovesalot, a young man from Wolverhampton, his break up with long term girlfriend Daisy Haymen proved to particularly heart well as hilarious.

The two had been together for 5 years, and had been living together with their pet Bulldog for 3 years. However, during a sour patch Daisy had broken up with Jimmy. After 3 weeks of silence, Jimmy received a mysterious voice mail from Daisy asking that he come to their country cottage where they would 'have a wonderful week together playing chess, eating cheese, and making chess pieces out of cheese.'

Jimmy, optimistic about a possible restoration of their loving relationship happily made his way to their cottage. Things took a dramatic turn for the worse when Jimmy entered the cottage only to find Daisy being entered.

Upon being discovered, Daisy took Jimmy aside and took an hour explaining that she no longer loved him, and that she in fact loved the small, ginger, midget Matador called Juan that Jimmy had discovered her with.

In a fit of overwhelming emotional turmoil Jimmy ran to the front door only to find that it would not open. Nor would any other doors in the cottage. In the hour that Daisy had spent emotionally raping him, a blizzard had descended and surrounded the cottage in an impenetrable (unlike Daisy) wall of snow.

Had he known then that he would be trapped in the cottage with his adulteress girlfriend and a midget Matador called Juan for the next 3 days, Jimmy would probably have killed himself there and then, or at least eaten the midget.

The awkwardness has only just begun with 3 days of Jim having to watch Daisy and Juan write, direct and star in a home made erotic remake of All Dogs Go to Heaven. Breakfast was a particularly awkward time, with the three of them sitting at the Kitchen table over a solitary bowl of Rice Crispies and a single vase filled with gravy. Help eventually arrived in the form of a talking Shetland Pony called Vince. When Vince arrived on scene he found Jimmy sitting in the corner of a room crying and whispering;

'Don Bluth, Don Bluth, Don Bluth'

Daisy and Juan have since got married and have 7 midget children who opened a mine. Jimmy can no longer fit in with civilized society and became a priest.

As it turns out, the message Jimmy received was sent in mistake, and was actually meant for Juan. If only he had have seen this sign that was recently put into force by the Roads Service.

Reports of similar awkwardness have been reported as far away as Egypt when a young couple broke up while on a tour of the Giza Pyramids just as they accidentally got trapped in a sarcophagus for 3000 years with Jeremy Irons and a baboon.

Monday, 8 November 2010

Dragon Reborn tells Dark One to 'F*ck off!'

The city of Illian was plunged into chaos last night as a local Messianic Saviour/ World Destroyer got a little bit too drunk.

Rand al'Thor, known also as 'Lord of the Morning', 'Prince of the Dawn', 'Shadowkiller', 'He Who Comes With the Dawn', 'The Dragon Reborn' and 'The Rose of Kildare' was on a night out with friends celebrating his recent victory over a large force of Shadowspawn when the trouble began.

It is alleged that after drinking several bottles of wine, Rand got into an argument with with Elan Morin Tedronai aka Ishamael, Champion of the Shadow, who was also at the club to promote his new range of Vitamin supplement drinks. Onlookers state that the two arch enemies tried to ignore each other for a large portion of the night and things were peaceful until Ishamael made a wise crack along the lines of;

'Stupid bloody, one handed twat...he's probably going to get drunk and kill all his friends and family again.'

At this point, al'Thor allegedly hit Ishamael with a chair shouting;

'Bridget Jones Diary was not shit, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't!'

Many have been worrying recently about the mental health of al'Thor, and this just proves that the madness of saidin is still very much affecting the Dragon Reborn.

At this point however, the Dark One himself intervened, stating that Rand and Ishamael should not be fighting until proscribed date and time at the Last Battle, and as such both were in breach of contract. The Dark One also stated that:

'(he) couldn't believe that Rand is currently in relationships with 3 women at the same time, all of whom know about the others, and don't seem to give a flying shit that al'Thor is blatantly a bigamist.'

The Dragon Reborn replied to the comment with loud 'Fuck off, you shit!' At this point several bouncers tried to expel Rand from the club but were promptly murdered by al'Thor in a very 'explodey' manner.

Long time friend of the Dragon Reborn, Nynaeve al'Maera responded to questions by tugging on her hair and sulking while Elayne Trakand, one of al'Thors lovers responded by having a bath.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

The Sun Has Lost His Hat: Billions Doomed

Pictured right: Al Gore: ‘I fucking told you so!’

The Sun Has lost his hat, hip, hip, hip hooray, the sun has lost his hat and it’s causing judgement day’

As you may have noticed, the lyrics to the popular song have been altered; the sun has not got his hat on, and he will not be out today. In fact the sun has lost his hat, and as such will not be coming out for a very long time until he can locate it.

The Sun first realised he had lost his hat at some point last night. It is believed that a rogue White Dwarf broke into the Suns house, and made off with said hat.

The Suns hat, which is known scientifically as Solaris Metamorhatius was first observed from Earth by Galileo in 1640. It forms the main part of what scientists refer to as the Suns ‘social niche’. Four Solar ‘social niches’ make up the year:

1 – The Chav Niche (Autumn time on Earth) when the Suns hat appears to be the shape of a baseball cap.
2 – The New Romantic Niche (Winter time on Earth) when the hat appears as pirate hat for some reason
3 – The Raver Niche (Spring time on Earth) – when the hat appears as a builders hard hat with a little propeller on top.
4 – The Fantasy Geek Niche (Summer time on Earth) – when the hat appears as a wizards cowl.

It is predicted that it will take the sun 1 million years to find its lost hat. People will first begin to realise the sun is no longer coming out when the Earth is left in total darkness and temperature drops to absolute zero causing the planet to freeze and all life on Earth to die instantly.

President Obama has said; ‘This is indeed a tricky situation, but I am certain that mankind will be able to survive its own extinction. One million years without light and heat isn’t really that long anyway’

Environmental Campaigner, and former Presidential hopeful, AL Gore has said’

Paddy O’Door, a random drunk I met on the street has said; ‘It’ll be like The Day After Tomorrow times 5. But maybe it will end up being like the Lion King, who’s to know?’

While it is known the short term effects of the Suns hat loss will be death to all life, a glimmer of hope remains as the long term effects may not be quite so severe…