Wednesday, 10 February 2016

'One ring to bring them all and in Craigavon bind them'

Pictured: Northern Ireland's new First Minister at the new seat of government in Craigavon.             

             One ring to rule them all,
 One ring to find them,
 One ring to bring them all and in Craigavon bind them’ The new motto of Northern Ireland

The political landscape of Northern Ireland changed forever last week in a way that no mortal could possibly have predicted. It began with the sighting of a strange cloud formation over Cookstown and hundreds reporting a feeling of being watched by a sinister presence. The strange formations moved to the south-east during the day and settled over Craigavon. So much was the public worry that an emergency meeting of the ‘Armagh City, Banbridge and Craigavon District Council’ was held. News agencies reported that none who entered the council chamber were seen to come out and any attempts to gain access into the building were thwarted by the apparent magical barrier that had been erected. Locals report that smoke was seen rising from the building while small earthquakes were also reported.

After several days, politicians in Stormont received an invitation, sent from within the council chambers, to attend the ongoing meeting in Craigavon with the promise of ‘finally figuring out a way to deal with the legacy of the Troubles and unite the good people of the Northern Ireland’. As a good will gift, twelve golden rings were also sent to the incumbent government ministers. Twelve rings that apparently would grant them the strength to govern their people. The invitation was reportedly signed by ‘Annatar, Giver of Gifts’.

Sure enough the government ministers attended the council chamber several days later, by which time the building resembled an active volcano, spewing out molten rock and toxic fumes. The ministers were in the building for days, before eventually emerging clothed in black and announcing that all political parties are to be disbanded and a single party system would be created. The new party would be called the ‘Ourselves Alone Democratic Union of Nazgul’. It was also revealed that the mysterious Annatar (also called Sauron) would be the leader of the party and that he would be making drastic changes to the country as listed below;

  • Causeway Coast and Glens Council to be renamed Angmar
  • Lough Neagh to be salted to the extent that no living creature could exist in it
  • The Free Presbyterian Church to change its focus of worship to involve ritual human sacrifice in honour of Morgoth
  • Anyone under 5ft tall to be banned from being in a mile radius of the new Craigavon volcano while carrying a ring
  • The Gap of the North to be fitted with a large black gate
  • Massive employment in the science & manufacturing industries centred around creating an unstoppable war machine
  • Black clothing to be worn at all times
  • Slieve Donard to be renamed Orodruin (or Mount Doom to the common folk)
  • Martin McGuinness and Arlene Foster to take on new roles as the Mouth and Black Hand of Sauron respectively
  • Free eye tests for everyone

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