Monday, 6 December 2010

Snow Storm of Awkwardness

Break ups are hard enough for people at the best of times, but for Jimmy McLovesalot, a young man from Wolverhampton, his break up with long term girlfriend Daisy Haymen proved to particularly heart well as hilarious.

The two had been together for 5 years, and had been living together with their pet Bulldog for 3 years. However, during a sour patch Daisy had broken up with Jimmy. After 3 weeks of silence, Jimmy received a mysterious voice mail from Daisy asking that he come to their country cottage where they would 'have a wonderful week together playing chess, eating cheese, and making chess pieces out of cheese.'

Jimmy, optimistic about a possible restoration of their loving relationship happily made his way to their cottage. Things took a dramatic turn for the worse when Jimmy entered the cottage only to find Daisy being entered.

Upon being discovered, Daisy took Jimmy aside and took an hour explaining that she no longer loved him, and that she in fact loved the small, ginger, midget Matador called Juan that Jimmy had discovered her with.

In a fit of overwhelming emotional turmoil Jimmy ran to the front door only to find that it would not open. Nor would any other doors in the cottage. In the hour that Daisy had spent emotionally raping him, a blizzard had descended and surrounded the cottage in an impenetrable (unlike Daisy) wall of snow.

Had he known then that he would be trapped in the cottage with his adulteress girlfriend and a midget Matador called Juan for the next 3 days, Jimmy would probably have killed himself there and then, or at least eaten the midget.

The awkwardness has only just begun with 3 days of Jim having to watch Daisy and Juan write, direct and star in a home made erotic remake of All Dogs Go to Heaven. Breakfast was a particularly awkward time, with the three of them sitting at the Kitchen table over a solitary bowl of Rice Crispies and a single vase filled with gravy. Help eventually arrived in the form of a talking Shetland Pony called Vince. When Vince arrived on scene he found Jimmy sitting in the corner of a room crying and whispering;

'Don Bluth, Don Bluth, Don Bluth'

Daisy and Juan have since got married and have 7 midget children who opened a mine. Jimmy can no longer fit in with civilized society and became a priest.

As it turns out, the message Jimmy received was sent in mistake, and was actually meant for Juan. If only he had have seen this sign that was recently put into force by the Roads Service.

Reports of similar awkwardness have been reported as far away as Egypt when a young couple broke up while on a tour of the Giza Pyramids just as they accidentally got trapped in a sarcophagus for 3000 years with Jeremy Irons and a baboon.

Monday, 8 November 2010

Dragon Reborn tells Dark One to 'F*ck off!'

The city of Illian was plunged into chaos last night as a local Messianic Saviour/ World Destroyer got a little bit too drunk.

Rand al'Thor, known also as 'Lord of the Morning', 'Prince of the Dawn', 'Shadowkiller', 'He Who Comes With the Dawn', 'The Dragon Reborn' and 'The Rose of Kildare' was on a night out with friends celebrating his recent victory over a large force of Shadowspawn when the trouble began.

It is alleged that after drinking several bottles of wine, Rand got into an argument with with Elan Morin Tedronai aka Ishamael, Champion of the Shadow, who was also at the club to promote his new range of Vitamin supplement drinks. Onlookers state that the two arch enemies tried to ignore each other for a large portion of the night and things were peaceful until Ishamael made a wise crack along the lines of;

'Stupid bloody, one handed twat...he's probably going to get drunk and kill all his friends and family again.'

At this point, al'Thor allegedly hit Ishamael with a chair shouting;

'Bridget Jones Diary was not shit, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't!'

Many have been worrying recently about the mental health of al'Thor, and this just proves that the madness of saidin is still very much affecting the Dragon Reborn.

At this point however, the Dark One himself intervened, stating that Rand and Ishamael should not be fighting until proscribed date and time at the Last Battle, and as such both were in breach of contract. The Dark One also stated that:

'(he) couldn't believe that Rand is currently in relationships with 3 women at the same time, all of whom know about the others, and don't seem to give a flying shit that al'Thor is blatantly a bigamist.'

The Dragon Reborn replied to the comment with loud 'Fuck off, you shit!' At this point several bouncers tried to expel Rand from the club but were promptly murdered by al'Thor in a very 'explodey' manner.

Long time friend of the Dragon Reborn, Nynaeve al'Maera responded to questions by tugging on her hair and sulking while Elayne Trakand, one of al'Thors lovers responded by having a bath.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

The Sun Has Lost His Hat: Billions Doomed

Pictured right: Al Gore: ‘I fucking told you so!’

The Sun Has lost his hat, hip, hip, hip hooray, the sun has lost his hat and it’s causing judgement day’

As you may have noticed, the lyrics to the popular song have been altered; the sun has not got his hat on, and he will not be out today. In fact the sun has lost his hat, and as such will not be coming out for a very long time until he can locate it.

The Sun first realised he had lost his hat at some point last night. It is believed that a rogue White Dwarf broke into the Suns house, and made off with said hat.

The Suns hat, which is known scientifically as Solaris Metamorhatius was first observed from Earth by Galileo in 1640. It forms the main part of what scientists refer to as the Suns ‘social niche’. Four Solar ‘social niches’ make up the year:

1 – The Chav Niche (Autumn time on Earth) when the Suns hat appears to be the shape of a baseball cap.
2 – The New Romantic Niche (Winter time on Earth) when the hat appears as pirate hat for some reason
3 – The Raver Niche (Spring time on Earth) – when the hat appears as a builders hard hat with a little propeller on top.
4 – The Fantasy Geek Niche (Summer time on Earth) – when the hat appears as a wizards cowl.

It is predicted that it will take the sun 1 million years to find its lost hat. People will first begin to realise the sun is no longer coming out when the Earth is left in total darkness and temperature drops to absolute zero causing the planet to freeze and all life on Earth to die instantly.

President Obama has said; ‘This is indeed a tricky situation, but I am certain that mankind will be able to survive its own extinction. One million years without light and heat isn’t really that long anyway’

Environmental Campaigner, and former Presidential hopeful, AL Gore has said’

Paddy O’Door, a random drunk I met on the street has said; ‘It’ll be like The Day After Tomorrow times 5. But maybe it will end up being like the Lion King, who’s to know?’

While it is known the short term effects of the Suns hat loss will be death to all life, a glimmer of hope remains as the long term effects may not be quite so severe…

Monday, 14 June 2010

Sauron To Head Environmental Watchdog Group

Pictured left: Sauron sadly observes the air pollution in his beloved Mordor.

Pollution in Middle Earth has been a major problem since the industrialisation of Mordor; a once quaint, idyllic land, now transformed into a sprawling industrial area.
This economic growth has been a great source of wealth for the inhabitants of Mordor, however neighbouring country Gondor has complained that the increased pollution is causing global warming, and that this warming is happening with the full knowledge of the Mordor government.

A more obvious effect of the pollution can be seen in the health of Mordor orcs. Cases of asthma have increased 75% in Orc children, and cases of Adrogenous Genderiso - a disease causing all infected to look exactly the same as each other - has increased 100%.

Pictured above - example of Orc suffering Androgenous Genderiso.

Sauron, Maiar Spirit, Apprentice of Aule the Smith, and Lord of the Rings has expressed his feelings on the matter at a press conference at the Black Gate:

'The accusations that we were aware of the effect the pollution was having on others are outrageous. This is nothing but Minis Tirith propoganda. They have never recognised our right to exist, and I must say that Mordor is a legitimate country, with a legitimate elected government

I do however recognise the problems, and as such have set up an Environmental Watchdog headed by myself to monitor and manage the situation'

The Watchdog has suggested that Orcs car pool to work in order to reduce congestion in the busy Mordor streets. Recycling schemes have also been introduced, and steps have been made to ensure Mordor becomes the first completely solar powered country. in Middle Earth.

Sauron has also stated that Gondors blockade stopping humanitarian aid to Mordor by bording ships and killing charity workers is completely unacceptable.

These recent events have forced Sauron to cancel his planned one man play - 'My Puppy Fred', the story of a misunderstood Satanic Dark Lord who joins the YMCA in order to win back the love of his blind puppy Fred, who also is a world class pizza chef.

Aragorn, King of Gondor has said 'I'm glad it's cancelled: Saurons a shit actor and he's probably a pedo anyway'

Strong words, from a beardy bastard. Recent events show the relationship between Gondor and Mordor is uneasy, but hopefully something horrible will not someone letting their son posthumously release their rough notes as a novel..

Flipping Out: Catholic Church In Ireland Finally Admits Its Role In Dinosaur Mass Extinction

Flipping Out: Catholic Church In Ireland Finally Admits Its Role In Dinosaur Mass Extinction

Catholic Church In Ireland Finally Admits Its Role In Dinosaur Mass Extinction

Millions of people were stunned by the Catholic Church in Irelands admission of guilt in regard to the mass extinction of the dinosaurs some 65 million years ago.

After many years of protests and campaigning, the dinosaurs closest living evolutionary relatives - birds - can finally have closure on this horrific event.

Cardinal Jimmy O'Jimson made the following announcement at around 10am on Monday Morning:

'In these modern times, we the Church can finally come to terms with the atrocity committed by our ealy bretheren. It is believed that the K-T Extinction event was a direct result of the Churches poilicy on attracting asteroids from the Kupier Belt to Earth, with the purpose of converting them to Christianity. One particular asteroid, now known as Saint Ass of Castlewellan, once converted to Christianity took exception to the dinosaurs Scientologist ways, and decided to murder them all. It is with great sympathy to the relatives of the dinosaurs i.e. birds that we finally admit our role in this.'

A report released from the Birds For Vengeance Campaign stated that relatives of the dinosaurs shall receive 65 million pounds worth of compensation, as well as rights to take over the earth when mankind inevitably nukes itself into extinction.

In a rare turn, DUP Politicians have taken the side of the Catholic Church and have lashed out at this compensation. The Culture Minister for Northern Ireland made the following statement on behalf of crazy fundamentalist Protestants everywhere:

'This is all wrong. Everyone knows dinosaurs didn't even exist and the world is only 6,000 years old. I urge everyone to go out and burn the museums and laboratories throughout the world. What has science ever done for us? I challenge science to a fight in the full knowledge that religion will be triumphant. How can science possibly defeat a bunch of nuts like us?'

Government scientists are now using their scientific knowledge to heal sick people and make life better for everyone. Currently, religeous fanatics are trying to destroy everything it would seem.

The war between science and religion is far from over, but in this dark time, hope has emerged with the birds finally getting justice for their ancestors.