Sunday, 19 January 2014

Lost Folktale Rediscovered: The Great Big Hairy Bugger

Anthropologists have a lot to celebrate today after the discovery of the manuscript detailing a long lost English folktale. Originally written in Portuguese for some reason, the following is a translation by Gary Lineker:

 Ploughing the field had become less fun ever since Toms horse had died (as had intercourse with said horse). Usually it would have had the harness put on and it would drag the plough, but as Tom could not yet afford another horse, he had to do it by himself (the ploughing that is). It was particularly stressful. He’d been here for five hours and had only done one furrow, and the field was well over five acres. It would take him weeks to finish. There was one benefit to all this though; he had a lot of time to his own thoughts.
Why did my horse die? What will I plant his year? Potatoes? Cabbage? Why does the sun shine? Why does my finger smell funny? Do I think because I exist, or do I exist because I think?
So many thoughts were going through his head that he didn't notice a shadowy figure lurking in the hedge.
Get off my land!’ screamed the figure in a voice that could have made an onion cry, causing Tom do drop the plough harness. He turned round to see a huge man dressed in a ragged trousers held up by a rope, and a ripped green shirt. He was extremely hairy, with hair all over his arms, and wild, bushy beard. His hair ran down to his shoulders. His nose was as red as a red parrot with a nose bleed.
Holy flaming turnips!’ exclaimed Tom, ‘You’re the biggest, hairiest bugger I have ever seen in my life!’
The stranger raised a bushy eyebrow and replied in an angry tone, ‘I’m a boggart God damn it. Not a bugger!’
Well, you’re the biggest, hairiest one I've ever seen.’
You’ve seen other boggarts?’
No,’ said Tom, ‘but you are the hairiest bugger I’ve ever seen.’
I’m not a bugger, I’m a fucking boggart you ass.’ The boggart seemed to be losing his temper very quickly.
Well what are you doing on my land?’ asked Tom.
The boggart chuckled menacingly, ‘Your land? Ha! It’s my land. It was my fathers before me, and his fathers, and his father’s father! It is rightfully mine!’
Tom looked at the boggart, and the boggart met his stare. For about five minutes they just stood facing at each other, until finally Tom said, ‘That’s a lie isn’t it? You just made that up there now, didn’t you?’
The boggarts lip began to shake, and then he looked away, lowering his head like a child who had done wrong. ‘Yes sir, it was a lie.’
Stupid bugger.’ Whispered Tom.
Fuck you!’ exclaimed the boggart, ‘I’m a fucking boggart, and I’ll be buggered if you call me a bugger again.’
Tom began to snigger. “I wonder what a boggart being buggered would look like.’
It’s actually a wonderful sight. Why, just last week me and my boggart friend were watching ‘Boggart Babes Go On A Sex Rampage’ and it was…..Hold on a minute….God damn it.’ Bewildered and now completely devoid of patience for the young farmer who stood before him, the boggart managed to keep his voice to a low whisper when he said ‘Right Mr. Farmer man, I was going to just leave once you realized I was lying, but now I really want this field. So give it to me.’ The boggart folded his arms.
Ha! And what are you going to do if I refuse?’ laughed Tom.

The boggart spent the rest of his life using Toms head as a cup, and his dismembered body as a plaything for other boggarts who liked to bugger things. The boggart lived happily ever after until he himself was buggered by a larger boggart

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Case of Mistaken Identity Leads Former WWE Star to Northern Ireland 'Haas Talks'

The recent 'Haas talks' regarding a lasting in peace in Northern Ireland appeared to have suffered a severe blow today as it was revealed that the wrong Haas has been chairing over proceedings. It turns out that due to severe miscommunication, it was the former WWE wrestler Charlie Haas, not the US diplomat Richard Haas chairing the talks.

It has been revealed that the first inkling that something was amiss occurred when Gerry Kelly was hit in the face with a steel chair and Peter Robinson was piledriven through a burning table covered in barbed wire.

In the weeks of talks that followed, several Northern Irish politicians had their Achilles tendons ripped. At one point local Alliance Party representatives were encouraged to fight their SDLP counterparts in a Hell in a Cell type match which led to Anna Lo chokeslamming Alasdair McDonnell from the top of the forty foot steel monstrosity onto a bed of thumb tacks.

However, despite the initial misgivings, Charlie Haas' more physical approach to diplomatic talks appears to have gained the support of the public. As a result, a new wrestling federation has been created, with weekly grudge matches being scheduled for the next six weeks, ultimately culminating in a pay per view event titled 'Politically Incorrect' where a six man DUP tag team will face off against a Sinn Fein team in the worlds first 'Shove that gerbil up the other guys ass' match. The event will take place in Windsor Park and tickets are available for £75. Free flegs will be available for all those attending.