Monday, 21 September 2009


This is just something I wrote a while back. Thought a lot of people could actually relate to it....its about a teenage smoker, who wants a smoke...but can't as their parents don't know.


I really need a smoke.
I mean really, really need one. It’s been four days I think. Normally I would have a sneaky one with the guys at lunch time up at the tennis courts, but I haven’t been able to scrounge together the two pounds fifty a ten deck costs. Bastard government. A ten deck used to cost less than two quid.

The cats staring at me. Fucking cat. I hate that bastard; I hope it gets eaten by a pack of wild dogs. I’d love to see it try and rub itself against the legs of a dozen feral German Shepherds. Actually, that would be a bit weird if a cat got attacked by a dozen German Shepherds, not the dogs, but actual German Shepherds. Why the hell would there be a dozen German shepherds around here? And why would they be feral?
God, I need a smoke.

I have to fill in the blanks on this chemistry homework, maybe I’ll try that. OK, I’m looking at the paper and holding the pen between by two fingers like a cigarette. I’m chewing the tip, imaging it’s a cigarette. God damn it, stop thinking about smoking.

OK, homework. Something plus something equals lead oxide. Hmm, it doesn’t take a genius to work that one out. On to the next one then. Show the reaction that takes place by using an equation. What the fuck? I bet the person who made these questions was gay. No one gives a toss about this shit. Oh, look its Linkin Park on MTV. God I hate them. I hope they all get killed in a plane crash. Why didn’t they just call themselves ‘N Sync with a load of overproduced guitars, except ten times more gay’? That would have been a better name for them.

Dear God, I need a smoke.
My hand is shaking now. Maybe I should take the dog for a walk and have a sneaky one. Hmm, no I never walk the dog, the parents would suspect…Fuck off cat! Fuck off and stop looking at me or I’ll stick a pencil up your ass and use you as a sharpener. I wonder if the Chinese take away down the road needs more meat for curry. That fat bastard cat would keep them supplied for a week. Or maybe not. I’m hungry now. I like chicken, I like liver. Meow mix, meow mix please deliver. What the hell am I thinking about? I really hate cats. They just fucking sit there and lick themselves all day. Maybe I should be prime minister.

Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, God damn it.
Yeah, maybe I should be the prime minister. Then I could put the price down again. And maybe I could abolish cats. Put the fuckers in concentration camps. Don’t know if the public would like that though. In a few years they’d make a film called Cat Lickers List about a factory owner who liked to lick cats, so he saved a load of them and made them work for him instead of going to the camps. God, Liam Neeson is such a fucking wank pot. ‘Look at me! I’m Liam Neeson, and I’m great because I was in a load of shit films, and slept with Jeremy Irons.’ I bet he did sleep with Jeremy Irons. They would have been alone in the jungle together making The Mission. Him, Irons, DeNiro, and a load of Indians. I bet they had a rave followed by a load of cat licking. Fuckers. Great movie though. An all time great.
God I need a smoke.