Thursday, 17 June 2010

The Sun Has Lost His Hat: Billions Doomed

Pictured right: Al Gore: ‘I fucking told you so!’

The Sun Has lost his hat, hip, hip, hip hooray, the sun has lost his hat and it’s causing judgement day’

As you may have noticed, the lyrics to the popular song have been altered; the sun has not got his hat on, and he will not be out today. In fact the sun has lost his hat, and as such will not be coming out for a very long time until he can locate it.

The Sun first realised he had lost his hat at some point last night. It is believed that a rogue White Dwarf broke into the Suns house, and made off with said hat.

The Suns hat, which is known scientifically as Solaris Metamorhatius was first observed from Earth by Galileo in 1640. It forms the main part of what scientists refer to as the Suns ‘social niche’. Four Solar ‘social niches’ make up the year:

1 – The Chav Niche (Autumn time on Earth) when the Suns hat appears to be the shape of a baseball cap.
2 – The New Romantic Niche (Winter time on Earth) when the hat appears as pirate hat for some reason
3 – The Raver Niche (Spring time on Earth) – when the hat appears as a builders hard hat with a little propeller on top.
4 – The Fantasy Geek Niche (Summer time on Earth) – when the hat appears as a wizards cowl.

It is predicted that it will take the sun 1 million years to find its lost hat. People will first begin to realise the sun is no longer coming out when the Earth is left in total darkness and temperature drops to absolute zero causing the planet to freeze and all life on Earth to die instantly.

President Obama has said; ‘This is indeed a tricky situation, but I am certain that mankind will be able to survive its own extinction. One million years without light and heat isn’t really that long anyway’

Environmental Campaigner, and former Presidential hopeful, AL Gore has said’

Paddy O’Door, a random drunk I met on the street has said; ‘It’ll be like The Day After Tomorrow times 5. But maybe it will end up being like the Lion King, who’s to know?’

While it is known the short term effects of the Suns hat loss will be death to all life, a glimmer of hope remains as the long term effects may not be quite so severe…

Monday, 14 June 2010

Sauron To Head Environmental Watchdog Group

Pictured left: Sauron sadly observes the air pollution in his beloved Mordor.

Pollution in Middle Earth has been a major problem since the industrialisation of Mordor; a once quaint, idyllic land, now transformed into a sprawling industrial area.
This economic growth has been a great source of wealth for the inhabitants of Mordor, however neighbouring country Gondor has complained that the increased pollution is causing global warming, and that this warming is happening with the full knowledge of the Mordor government.

A more obvious effect of the pollution can be seen in the health of Mordor orcs. Cases of asthma have increased 75% in Orc children, and cases of Adrogenous Genderiso - a disease causing all infected to look exactly the same as each other - has increased 100%.

Pictured above - example of Orc suffering Androgenous Genderiso.

Sauron, Maiar Spirit, Apprentice of Aule the Smith, and Lord of the Rings has expressed his feelings on the matter at a press conference at the Black Gate:

'The accusations that we were aware of the effect the pollution was having on others are outrageous. This is nothing but Minis Tirith propoganda. They have never recognised our right to exist, and I must say that Mordor is a legitimate country, with a legitimate elected government

I do however recognise the problems, and as such have set up an Environmental Watchdog headed by myself to monitor and manage the situation'

The Watchdog has suggested that Orcs car pool to work in order to reduce congestion in the busy Mordor streets. Recycling schemes have also been introduced, and steps have been made to ensure Mordor becomes the first completely solar powered country. in Middle Earth.

Sauron has also stated that Gondors blockade stopping humanitarian aid to Mordor by bording ships and killing charity workers is completely unacceptable.

These recent events have forced Sauron to cancel his planned one man play - 'My Puppy Fred', the story of a misunderstood Satanic Dark Lord who joins the YMCA in order to win back the love of his blind puppy Fred, who also is a world class pizza chef.

Aragorn, King of Gondor has said 'I'm glad it's cancelled: Saurons a shit actor and he's probably a pedo anyway'

Strong words, from a beardy bastard. Recent events show the relationship between Gondor and Mordor is uneasy, but hopefully something horrible will not someone letting their son posthumously release their rough notes as a novel..

Flipping Out: Catholic Church In Ireland Finally Admits Its Role In Dinosaur Mass Extinction

Flipping Out: Catholic Church In Ireland Finally Admits Its Role In Dinosaur Mass Extinction

Catholic Church In Ireland Finally Admits Its Role In Dinosaur Mass Extinction

Millions of people were stunned by the Catholic Church in Irelands admission of guilt in regard to the mass extinction of the dinosaurs some 65 million years ago.

After many years of protests and campaigning, the dinosaurs closest living evolutionary relatives - birds - can finally have closure on this horrific event.

Cardinal Jimmy O'Jimson made the following announcement at around 10am on Monday Morning:

'In these modern times, we the Church can finally come to terms with the atrocity committed by our ealy bretheren. It is believed that the K-T Extinction event was a direct result of the Churches poilicy on attracting asteroids from the Kupier Belt to Earth, with the purpose of converting them to Christianity. One particular asteroid, now known as Saint Ass of Castlewellan, once converted to Christianity took exception to the dinosaurs Scientologist ways, and decided to murder them all. It is with great sympathy to the relatives of the dinosaurs i.e. birds that we finally admit our role in this.'

A report released from the Birds For Vengeance Campaign stated that relatives of the dinosaurs shall receive 65 million pounds worth of compensation, as well as rights to take over the earth when mankind inevitably nukes itself into extinction.

In a rare turn, DUP Politicians have taken the side of the Catholic Church and have lashed out at this compensation. The Culture Minister for Northern Ireland made the following statement on behalf of crazy fundamentalist Protestants everywhere:

'This is all wrong. Everyone knows dinosaurs didn't even exist and the world is only 6,000 years old. I urge everyone to go out and burn the museums and laboratories throughout the world. What has science ever done for us? I challenge science to a fight in the full knowledge that religion will be triumphant. How can science possibly defeat a bunch of nuts like us?'

Government scientists are now using their scientific knowledge to heal sick people and make life better for everyone. Currently, religeous fanatics are trying to destroy everything it would seem.

The war between science and religion is far from over, but in this dark time, hope has emerged with the birds finally getting justice for their ancestors.