Monday, 6 December 2010

Snow Storm of Awkwardness

Break ups are hard enough for people at the best of times, but for Jimmy McLovesalot, a young man from Wolverhampton, his break up with long term girlfriend Daisy Haymen proved to particularly heart well as hilarious.

The two had been together for 5 years, and had been living together with their pet Bulldog for 3 years. However, during a sour patch Daisy had broken up with Jimmy. After 3 weeks of silence, Jimmy received a mysterious voice mail from Daisy asking that he come to their country cottage where they would 'have a wonderful week together playing chess, eating cheese, and making chess pieces out of cheese.'

Jimmy, optimistic about a possible restoration of their loving relationship happily made his way to their cottage. Things took a dramatic turn for the worse when Jimmy entered the cottage only to find Daisy being entered.

Upon being discovered, Daisy took Jimmy aside and took an hour explaining that she no longer loved him, and that she in fact loved the small, ginger, midget Matador called Juan that Jimmy had discovered her with.

In a fit of overwhelming emotional turmoil Jimmy ran to the front door only to find that it would not open. Nor would any other doors in the cottage. In the hour that Daisy had spent emotionally raping him, a blizzard had descended and surrounded the cottage in an impenetrable (unlike Daisy) wall of snow.

Had he known then that he would be trapped in the cottage with his adulteress girlfriend and a midget Matador called Juan for the next 3 days, Jimmy would probably have killed himself there and then, or at least eaten the midget.

The awkwardness has only just begun with 3 days of Jim having to watch Daisy and Juan write, direct and star in a home made erotic remake of All Dogs Go to Heaven. Breakfast was a particularly awkward time, with the three of them sitting at the Kitchen table over a solitary bowl of Rice Crispies and a single vase filled with gravy. Help eventually arrived in the form of a talking Shetland Pony called Vince. When Vince arrived on scene he found Jimmy sitting in the corner of a room crying and whispering;

'Don Bluth, Don Bluth, Don Bluth'

Daisy and Juan have since got married and have 7 midget children who opened a mine. Jimmy can no longer fit in with civilized society and became a priest.

As it turns out, the message Jimmy received was sent in mistake, and was actually meant for Juan. If only he had have seen this sign that was recently put into force by the Roads Service.

Reports of similar awkwardness have been reported as far away as Egypt when a young couple broke up while on a tour of the Giza Pyramids just as they accidentally got trapped in a sarcophagus for 3000 years with Jeremy Irons and a baboon.

No comments: